Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Tortoise and the Hare

On paper, the boy and I don't work at all. Whenever we see those annoying eharmony commercials I laugh because I know a computer never would have matched us in a million years. He's a simple country boy, and I'm a high maintenance city girl. He likes the stability and organization of the Air Force, and I like the fast paced business world. And while he's content to take it easy and let things happen, I'm always rushing to see what's around the next corner and get there faster.

The past few months have been hard on me. Health-wise I find myself jealous of people who get up every day and aren't in pain. Some days it takes everything I have just to haul myself out of bed. I've become so focused on how bad I feel that I've forgotten to be thankful for what I do have. My last surgeon told me that everything is fine with my 'girl parts', so hopefully having children won't be a problem. When I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago I thought children would be out of the question. I also have doctors who are searching for what's wrong with me and ultimately trying to help me. And I have insurance that covers almost all of it. These are luxuries that not everyone has.

But still, I want to rush. I can't wait to get married, to have kids, and to feel settled already. Somehow, I think that there will be this magical finish line and once I cross it I can be content. I see my friends with their families and I get so impatient; so restless. People I graduated high school with have five kids, and we haven't even started yet. How did we get so far behind?

So my daily struggle now is to look at Corey and take his strength and just SLOW DOWN. To appreciate the scenery, and be thankful for every blessing I've been given. To try and surrender to the fact that life isn't a race because the finish line is in a different place for everyone. And to realize that even though I'm on the gas and he's on the brakes, at least we'll get where we're going together.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Calgon, take me...

I saw this on someone else's blog, and since I'm feeling uninspired, I stole it. Yep, I'm a thief. Deal.

I am: Christina
I think: We should move to Italy where they don't start working until noon.
I know: there is something wrong with me.
I want: a doctor to figure out what it is.
I have: a sweater and blanket on me. It's cold in my office.
I wish: Percocet didn't make me feel so crappy.
I hate: that I can't have morning coffee.
I miss: Feeling normal.
I fear: Never feeling normal again.
I feel: See above. I'm broken.
I hear: The coffee maker in our break room.
I smell: The coffee. oh sweet Columbian roast...
I crave: Sleep and/or caffeine!
I search: google every day for medical advice.
I wonder: why I didn't invent Google.
I regret: not investing in Google on opening day.
I love: the boy. He's cool.
I care: about sick little kids, and the AIDS epidemic, and abandoned puppies.
I always: wish I had a baby.
I am not: preggo.
I believe: that everything happens for a reason, no matter how sh#%@ty it seems.
I dance: when I have a good hair day.
I sing: to the boy when he's going to sleep. He laughs.
I dont always: say what I'm thinking.
I fight: with the boy sometimes when I'm grouchy.
I write: in my journal too infrequently.
I lose: At monopoly and it makes me furious!!
I win: At everything else.
I never: imagined I'd have a country accent.
I listen: to a very random mix of music.
I can usually be found: at my computer.
I am scared: of bugs.
I need: a competant doctor.
I am happy about: it not being Monday anymore.

OK, so you can probably tell I'm in a bit of a funk. The last few days my pain has been excruciating and I don't know what to do. The Percocet dulls the pain but leaves me loopy and sick, Darvocet doesn't do anything to the pain, and not taking anything leaves me miserable.

My most recent surgeon said that everything is normal gynecologically, so that's good news. However, it's also puzzling because something has to be causing the pain. I'm happy that the cancer didn't spread anywhere crazy though and show up again. That was also good news.

There is a possibility that my pain is completely related to my bladder disease, in which case I just have to live with it. So, I'm going back to my regular doctor next week to get referred to a pain management clinic, and to get referred to another urologist for a second opinion. She also wants to run a bunch of tests to make sure I don't have anything wrong with my intestines. Sounds like fun right?

Other than that, my last option is to explore nerve blocking where they inject pain medication straight into your spinal column to try and identify where the pain is originating. Sigh.

On happier news, the boy's birthday is this weekend so we're going up to Vegas to celebrate. Corey's best friend in the world and his wife live in Vegas so he's stoked about seeing them, and I'm looking forward to meeting them too. I've got baby fever in the worst way right now and his wife is 5 months preggo so I'm sure it's going to be like waving a ding dong in front of a fat woman. I know you're supposed to get hitched (and healthy) before you have babies, but they're just so freakin' cute. I need one!

We'll keep everyone updated if the boy wins a billion dollars at craps. Or, we'll move to Aruba and you'll never hear from us again.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The bad news, and the good news.

For those of you that were concerned, my surgery was a wash. They went in and found adhesions on my intestines, which is odd considering I'd never had pelvic surgery before. So, they cut them all out in hopes that it would stop my pain. Unfortunately, that must not have been the root of the pain as it came back in full force as soon as the post-surgery pain killers wore off. So, back to the medical drawing board.

The good news is that while I was busy recovering, the boy had his final awards ceremony and HE WON! So, he is now the NCO of the Quarter for Luke AFB. Pretty fancy award considering he was up against some great people. It came with some airline tickets and savings bonds, along with the massive bragging rights and ego boosts and I couldn't be prouder!

Next year he'll be competing for Luke AFB NCO of the Year 2008 against the three other quarterly winners. Very exciting!

Oh, and there was another scorpion in the house, but I'm not ready to talk about that yet. I'll let you know when the Valium kicks in.