To bring our vacation abruptly to an end though, we had to come home to the wonderful insect-infested desert. I used to think that bugs only invaded dirty homes. As long as I vacuumed and didn't leave food on the floor I thought I was safe. And then I moved into a house that had a little backyard and I learned otherwise. They are everywhere!! Ants, Roaches, Spiders, Earwigs - and my new sworn enemy: the scorpion.
My first sighting was when we first moved into our house and it crawled out of the duct work on the 12 foot vaulted ceiling. Luckily, the boy is smart and he defeated it with a shower rod. My second interaction was a bit more horrific as this one decided to join me in the shower. Screaming and covered in shampoo, I streaked out of the walk-in shower and down the hall shouting at Corey to rescue me. By the time I regained my composure and washed the Redken out of my eyes the monster was smooshed with a shoe and flushed.
When we got back from vacation I was nervous to walk into the house as I figured the bugs had taken over, but I was pleasantly surprised to see my home exactly as we'd left it. Little did I know those little bastards just hid well. I almost stepped on #3 with bare feet in the kitchen and noticed with great trepidation that it appeared to be a baby before the boy dispatched it with a Nike. "Baby scorpion means there's a mama scorpion," I whined from my perch atop the dining room table.
"Nah, it was just a little one. Not a baby at all," he soothed.
Whatever. The boy is a liar because #4 (Big Momma) and I met this morning when I was all alone in the house after the boy left for work. I was walking around getting things together when my bad eyesight revealed something suspicious on the wall in the hallway. Blinking and rubbing my bleary eyes, it appeared to move enough to send me screaming into the living room. After putting on boots (that I shook out profusely before donning) and arming myself with a broom I ventured past it to the bedroom, grabbed my glasses, and once again peered around the corner. Sure enough, the demon was perched on the baseboard taunting me with it's huge talon of a tail. It must have been 6 inches across (or so) and a good half-pound.
I shrieked and ran back into the bedroom, contemplating my options: a) call Corey and demand he turn around and drive home for an emergency rescue, b) throw a huge box on top of it with a note telling him to kill what's inside when he gets home, c) leave the house, pretending I hadn't seen it, and never come back, or d) suck it up and deal with it myself. Briefly, option e entered my mind, but I thought that firing a 9mm several times in to the floor might cause damages and police presence.
Then I realized that if Corey ever gives in and we have kids I'm going to have to protect them from evil like this. So, I retreat to the bedroom (stopping several times to pop my head around the corner and make sure it's still there) and put on my scorpion-killing uniform: snowboard pants, a men's sweatshirt, Air Force gloves, and knee-high leather boots. No skin from the neck down is showing and this makes me feel safer. I grab the boy's boot, and holding it from the very top, I tiptoe around the corner into the hallway. The monster is still there, pointing its tail at me viciously and making what I can only assume is a battle cry of weird hissing sounds. We play this little game for about 20 minutes where I get close enough to hit it, and then run away screaming. It doesn't get tired though, and is waiting for me every time I come back around the corner. Finally, in a moment of adrenaline-rushing bravery, I attack it with the boot yelling something like, "Ahhhh, die scorpion, Ahhhhhh, Ohmygod, die, die, die." I hit it so many times that the pieces blended in with our brown carpet. Then, I placed the boot on top of its body and ran into the bedroom to stand on the bed until my heart rate returned to something healthy.
I am now a warrior.
Christina - 1, Evil Scorpion - Nothing.
1 comment:
Well, I for one am proud of you. You didn't resort to one of the easier options, you bit the dust and killed it. I remember the time when you were a baby that I reached into the box of cotton balls to clean up your nooks and crannies and darn near grabbed hold of a scorpion playing it the box. But I digress, good for you. However you do realize that now you will have to keep up your bravado in the future.
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