Thursday, November 18, 2010

Day Ten

Today's post is supposed to be about something I'm afraid of. It could be the longest post in the history of blogging.

When I was younger - let's say anywhere from age five to age twenty-five, I wasn't scared of a whole lot. Okay, yes I was afraid that my porceline dolls would come to life and murder me (thanks Twilight Zone) and that aliens would beam me up, but that was about it. I enjoyed earthquakes when I lived in California. I collected bugs for a school science project. I jumped off of a bridge and out of a plane. I was tough.

Fast-forward a few years and I'm scared of everything. Traffic on the freeway - those people drive like maniacs - scorpions, ghosts, Corey dying on the way to work, bedbugs, asteroids colliding with Earth... I couldn't sleep a wink after we visited Tulum this year and listened to one old Mayan tell us how the world was in fact going to end in 2013.

A bigger challenge to me is going to be NOT passing these fears automatically down to the Peanut. If I scream every time I see a spider she's going to learn to be afraid of spiders and damned if I'm going to give her my neurosis without letting her develop her own (or in addition to her own).

So, the saying is, "If you can't make it, fake it," right? Well, I'll be faking tough for the next eighteen years or so.


Anonymous said...

Don't stress to much. I don't seem to have given you and Michael my fear of snakes and I could not hide that if I tried and I can't say that I ever did that. Hate them, Hate them, Hate them. The worst time was when Mary Ann Mosley came into the office at school with her boa constrictor draped around her neck. I had to sit there with my eyes closed and pretend that she wasn't there. Pretty hard when all I wanted to do was run away. I've got goose bumps while I write. I digress....

You will do for the "Peanut" the best that you can and she will get what she gets and you don't really have a whole lot of say in the matter. So, again don't stress. Control what you can and make peace with that. Mom

Webb said...

I think a big part of that change (from fearless to spineless) has to do with responsibility. When you're young (and SINGLE), you have relatively few responsibilities. However, with marriage your responsibilities grow exponentially - you immediately become responsible for the life of another person, and your own life becomes even more vital to protect on behalf of that other person.

When children start to come into the picture, that responsibility increases even more exponentially. This is actually something I've seen in many of my friends and family, but really noticed in myself just the other day in a pretty unexpected way. I was watching The Incredibles the other day with Ellery, and the part came on where Mrs. Incredible and the two older children are on the jet headed to the island where Mr. Incredible is held captive. Missiles were fired to take down the jet. When Mrs. Incredible calls out in panic on over the radio to call off the missiles "there are children on board," I started to cry. It has been years since I watched that movie, but now, having children, it touched, and terrified me. The thought of not being able to protect my children terrifies me - and not just from death, there are so many things that are arguably worse than death. Same goes for myself now too, the thought of not being able to be there for my wife and children, or not being able to see them grow, is scary.

Responsibility is frightening. I think that's why so many people any more are opting for a single life, living in their parent's basement - or saying marriage is for suckers - so they just co-habitate. Responsibility is scary, so the fact that YOU have taken on marriage, and have done (and are doing) everything you can to bring a child into this world, YOU are brave - you're doing better than you think you are!